Are you in an abusive relationship? There are different ways to find out. For the longest time I didn’t know, but I knew something wasn’t right and I couldn’t bear the treatment I was getting, then when I came to realization, feelings of despair and shame flooded me. As devastating as it was, it was the beginning of my exit. Know that you are on your way out! Educate yourself as much as you can if this applies to you. Here are some things abusers don’t want their victims to know.
You’re in a better position than they are
This information needs to be known because insecurity has no preference; the person could be rich/poor, black/white…it doesn’t matter. When insecurity is deeply set in someone’s heart and mind, they set out to hurt people in order to feel better about themselves. This means they didn’t have much going for them in the first place so when they saw you, they saw a prize. They saw someone that was better than them and in order to give themselves some type of validation, they will set up a system to tear you down piece by piece. From day one, they saw what you carried or how you carried yourself and at some point it infuriated them…they couldn’t take it. This is especially true when it comes to narcissistic abusers, but we’ll expand on that topic in another post.
Insecurity is also rooted with fear. The abuser may be afraid of not amounting to anything or just scared that people will see right through them, exposing all of their dark secrets. That’s why they take things out on you; they’re fearful people who don’t want to be alone and your healthy state of mind and good intentions makes them uncomfortable. Remember, no matter how much effort you put into a relationship that involves an abuser – you cannot mix darkness with light.
They Hate Themselves
Abusers are excellent in putting on a show. They come off as charming, intelligent and seem to have so much going for them. But at the end of the day, when the stage lights are dimmed and no one is around, there are those quiet moments where they look within and find nothing there. They are shallow and empty inside and it tears them apart. How do they deal with it? They take it out on you, who’s trying your best to love and support them. You’ve even changed who you are just to appease them. But as long as they’re not happy with themselves, they will keep maltreating you no matter how good you are to them. I remember being in my own unhealthy relationship when it got to the point where I felt I was constantly walking on egg shells. Everything I did or said turned out to be an issue to the point where I was scared to breath around them. Often times in these types of situations, the abuser is miserable inside and cannot stand to look at themselves. There’s a void they have not dealt with for some reason and now they choose to be unhealthy towards someone who means well for them.
Most Likely they had their plan for you from day one
This is also another characteristic of narcissistic abusers. They’re set out to make any and everything about them. If that means getting involved with someone who they can suck everything out of in order to make themselves look and feel good, they will do it. It could be because the person is attractive, has money or whatever. They will draw that person into their world through charm and false security, until the person becomes vulnerable to them. These types of relationships can last for years, where the abuser is just taking and the victim is constantly giving. Most likely, the abuser had a plan from day one and it was all about them – love was never involved.
They have a deep dark past
You are not the first person to fall victim to the abuser and their behavior. They’ve done it to other people, whether it was another girlfriend/boyfriend, family member or friend. You’re their latest and they don’t want you to know that. If they’re at the point where they can make you feel guilty for things you’re not doing, making you feel like you’re never good enough, or have isolated you from your family and friends, then they’ve been working on this ability for a long time and have a well-developed pattern.
Read about a woman who had to find her way out of an abusive relationship here. Do you have a story to tell? Writing may be a part of your journey of healing and recovery. Go here to find out more.