There’s a scene in my novel, The Mango Tree Shade, where the central character, Asuma, is having a discussion with her cousin about her failing marriage. During the course of the conversation, Asuma is completely blown away when she starts to realize that she may be a victim of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). An educated woman who’s been building a modest career for years, never knew there was a such thing as IPV. From that point her world starts to fall apart completely before it starts to build back up again.
I’ve written a lot about IPV on this blog in the past. One of the things I’ve tried to raise awareness on over the years is how many people suffer in silence when it comes to abusive relationships. Asuma was definitely dealing with fear, shame and self-blame for a long time because she lacked the necessary knowledge of what a good relationship looked like. Her parents never provided that knowledge to her because they never had it for themselves. She witnessed the abuse of her mother growing up, then entered into a marriage that was just as dysfunctional and abusive.
Like any other traumatic occurrence or event, one would run to family for help in most cases. Particularly, the elders of the family offer words of wisdom, resources and support to help the person get through that situation successfully. In the case of dysfunctional relationships and abusive marriages, it can be argued that culture and upbringing bring in strong dynamics on what is defined as abusive and a person being in trouble. Current data on African countries show that abusive relationships are the norm. If abuse is being reported, there is a lot of victim-blaming going on and women are usually on the short end of the stick with all fingers pointed at them.
Globally, an estimated 736 million women—almost one in three—have been subjected to physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence, non-partner sexual violence, or both at least once in their life (30 per cent of women aged 15 and older).
UN Women
What can make an abusive situation even more traumatic is when one goes to immediate family members, such as mothers and grandmothers and they as women will tell a young woman its her own fault as to why the relationship is in an unhealthy or dangerous state.
Coming to America
Another important aspect of Asuma’s story is her identity as a first-born West African American. Her parents came to America as young, naïve students to America, which eventually led to other relatives following suit. But with some situations, it could be a matter of amnesty or having to flee from war. There are family members in Asuma’s life who have fled to America for that very reason, which brings on the discussion of how young girls and women are protected in war-torn countries and the type of protection they may receive once fleeing to another country. In The Mango Tree Shade, there are moments of abandonment, betrayal and heartache when seeking refuge in America.
Like any other traumatic occurrence or event, one would run to family for help in most cases. Particularly, the elders of the family offer words of wisdom, resources and support to help the person get through that situation successfully. In the case of dysfunctional relationships and abusive marriages, it can be argued that culture and upbringing bring in strong dynamics on what is defined as abusive and a person being in trouble. Current data on African countries show that abusive relationships are the norm. If abuse is being reported, there is a lot of victim-blaming going on and women are usually on the short end of the stick with all fingers pointed at them.
What can make an abusive situation even more traumatic is when one goes to immediate family members, such as mothers and grandmothers and they as women will tell a young woman its her own fault as to why the relationship is in an unhealthy or dangerous state.
“Women will tell you that it’s your own fault,” she said. “The reason is societal conditioning and upbringing: Women then really believe that the reason for violence against them is how they behave, dress or speak. When they’re older, it’s hard to get that mindset out of them.”
How African women suffer silently through abuse, Silja Fröhlich, DW News
Mothers Against Daughters?
For one reason or another, mothers and grandmothers in family will have this type of reaction when the younger, abused women run to them for help. It could be because they have become numb to the abuse they may have endured in their own marriages or because it was what they were simply taught by the family’s culture, traditions and way of life.
There can be a lot of finger pointing, as previously stated against victims by their own mothers or other women in the family. Victims are often asked what role they played that led to them being abused. Where do these types of behaviors come from? There’s another scene in my novel where Asuma’s cousin, Kaaria is experiencing the lack of support from a bitter aunt, who has probably had a lot of heartache and disappointment in her own life and is not equipped to be in a position of love and support for her niece, who has just fled a war-torn country. Also, coming to a strange country and then quickly having to adjust in order to survive can be a hardening experience. All of these different factors can lead to compounded trauma, where no one gets the help that they need. Instead, negative behaviors continue to get passed down from aunt to niece and from mother to daughter, until someone moves to break that cycle.
Asuma’s Struggle
I believe that Asuma’s experiences are reflective of a lot of beautiful, educated women who are trying to find wholeness and peace in their lives. They didn’t set out to be in failed relationships or to contribute to toxic environments. They simply want to love and to be loved. But as life would have it, there are painful lessons of love and war on the journey and her story encompasses all of that and more. It was difficult for Asuma to find her voice or to know who she really was, but eventually, she did, and once her story is ready for sharing, I am hoping that readers can take her lessons learned for themselves – not just through heartbreak, but through laughter as well.
Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence for myself is the reason why I started writing on an open platform. One of the first stories that ever got published in my freelance writing journey was on IPV. It’s also the reason why I decided to write a novel based on a character like Asuma. There are many wondering moving parts to The Mango Tree Shade, but IPV was initially the story’s central point. As I move forward with sharing this amazing story, I hope I am able to help people have a better understanding on what maltreatment and abuse in marriage looks like that doesn’t involve physical scars. Perhaps, it’s most important to help raise awareness on building healthier mother and daughter relationships.
What are your thoughts on literary work that touch on sensitive topics? Would you read a story like Asuma’s?